I'm only the second day into refeeding and already I hate it I hate it I hate it so much, so much more than I ever have in recent memory, and I want to quit and I'm fine and I donnnnn't neeeeeeed allllll thisssss foooooood.
It's only an extra 100 calories. (But it'll be more tomorrow!) I haven't gained any weight, or even maintained. (But it's only a matter of time until I do!) Look, I fucking have to do this because the labs show my body, especially my liver, is hugely compromised. I'm lucky to be able to exercise in voice and movement class. By all accounts, even the amount of walking I do to and from class is overly jeopardizing. (I don't feel good I feel full IhateitIhateitIhateit.)
I hate yogurt. I hate processed food. I hate sodium. I hate microwave meals. I hate eating. I hate calories. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm going to. I keep telling myself it's not optional; I can't fuck up refeeding or I don't have a chance of pulling the wool over my parents' eyes. That it's only temporary. That it's medicine, for fuck's sake. I try to imagine my liver slurping up the calories and using them all; my cells burning every extra gram of fat and protein into restorative, repairing energy. But it's hard. I just want to lose more weight.
^ I typed "happy liver" into a google image search and this is what came up. Oh internet.
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