So today I saw my new psych -- ten points to me for actually going! I got lost half a dozen times on my way there, thanks to my GPS that can never make things easy. Heading back was much easier because I ignored her "severe traffic ahead; recalculating" diatribe and bumped along the freeway listening to music and talk radio. I really don't mind being stuck in traffic if I know I've got time; it's a good way for me to unwind. I'm not racing to a destination but I've still got something to do, and plenty, of course, to think while I'm doing it.
The psychiatrist is really sweet; very sympathetic and all without seeming saccharine. She prescribed me new doses of the meds I'm used to, so we'll see how that works out. This is all for anxiety and panic, but naturally my treatment team is hoping that as my generalized anxiety goes down, so too will my food- and body-related anxieties (even though I've told them that's never happened in the past), and I'll start to withdraw from my behaviours a bit. I guess it could happen, but I wouldn't put money on it.
Next Thursday I have my MD appointment. I'm nervous about that as well; I'll have to miss voice class and I HATE missing class -- I always feel like such a little deviant. I feel like the professor will think I don't care about the subject or respect them; they'll just think I'm lazy. At the same time I hesitate to tell my professor in advance that I'm going to have to miss class because then it's like, "an appointment? You couldn't just reschedule?" No, I couldn't reschedule. The guy is an hour away in somewhat shit traffic (which is to be expected), not to mention filling out paperwork and getting my initial medical history -- which always takes forever. There's the eating disorder timeline, the hospitalization timeline, the trauma timeline, the coke timeline, the academic timeline, and the other health issues timeline. Some overlap and some don't.
I'm really happy it's Thursday, which makes it practically the weekend. For some reason this week has just been so arduous. With this semester's schedule -- the timing and location of classes -- plus appointments, it feels like I'm rushing nonstop from 7 or 8 AM to 6 at night. And my Tuesdays begin at 6AM, but so far I've been getting through that like a champ.
I was super panicky earlier, between 1:30ish and 4ish, but I popped a loraz around 3:30 and it just finished metabolizing completely maybe half an hour ago. It takes maybe 45 minutes to start noticing a marked difference, and 4 hours later I'm golden. I like to revisit whatever I was panicking about just to get recently-unshackled reasonable AJ's take on the matter, and there's usually a very logical explanation for my "symptoms" or heightened anxiety. That's the thing about nightmares. They always seem real until you wake up, and then it's so clear that you were just dreaming. That's what I tell myself panic attacks are. They're waking nightmares. It's kind of cute, in a pathetic sort of way, wrapping my arms around myself and rocking back in forth in bed saying, "it's just like a bad dream."
I guarantee you, my social world would be shocked if they knew how horribly I suffer from panic and anxiety. I don't think anyone I interact with on a regular basis (aside from my family and therapist) has the slightest inkling. Which is real good, I guess.
Speaking of not having the slightest inkling and putting on fronts, I really want to share with y'all a portion of a text messaging conversation I had with B. last night. I like to call it "Why Do You Lie, Liar?" I'm sure that's the title B. was giving it, anyway.
B. How r u?
AJ. I'm super, doing Mother Courage this semester which is not my fave but it is what it is. Anything promising for ya on the audition front?
B. I just got a representation offer from a very nice agency. Thats cool, hows ur health
AJ. Health stuff is really good. That's awesome about your offer. [I tried to change the subject by asking some other question]
B. Are u sure ur ok? U seemed like u coulda used a little help last time, be honest
AJ. Yeah, I was a wreck, haha, but that was ages ago. Things are better now. [Changed subject again and persisted until convo was successfully derailed]
For some reason, I could tell that he could tell that I was transparent as glass even over text, which is a superpower he alone possesses. And I could also tell he was a little hurt. (How can you tell that shit over texting?) He's basically the only person I've never lied to.
Well, I guess his time had certainly past come, then.
Le sigh.
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