Just a few random updates...

1. So I've started up my meds and so far their re-introduction into my system has gone rather smoothly, although there is this one side effect I hate: waking up in the middle of the night and having a hell of a time getting back to sleep. This happens at all weights, and has gone on as long as I've taken the drug. Oh well. I can stand that, as long as my anxiety abates... still waiting to see whether the meds make any noticeable difference there (I should know in about 4-6 weeks -- seems like forever).

2. My doctor's appointment is tomorrow, and of course I have to go hit a plateau just in time. I keep telling myself "your weight is still X pounds, even if you're losing super slowly or not losing at all the past few days -- it's still X." I know where my plateaus happen and how long they last, but that's little consolation in the moment. I just want to get RID of this water and watch the numbers plummet again. Sigh.

3. We had costume measurements for the play yesterday. I was really surprised when I happened to glance at others' measurement sheets, and realized that the girl who I thought was the skinniest girl in the sophomore class was several inches larger than me everywhere, as well as being about 3 inches shorter and 10 pounds heavier overall. She's tiny! She has celiac, so that's why she's so thin, in addition probably to genetics, but if I didn't know better I might even wonder if she had an ED (she for sure doesn't; trust me). This really fucked with my head. I always had her pegged as being way smaller than me. Distorted body image is an absolute mindfuck. So now I'm telling myself, "well, obviously we carry our weight differently..." Yeah. Obviously. Because what I see in the mirror is totally what everyone else sees. Right? Right?

4. ... I just did some math, and this girl's BMI is actually a point or two higher than mine was whenever I've been minimally weight restored and eating intuitively for a few months. Yet, I could swear I look like a fucking WHALE when that's the situation; like I've completely let myself go. All bulky and big and just... so... big. Solid. Husky; that's a good word. Sorry I'm going on and on but my mind has seriously just been blown. When my body is where it wants to be, am I really as diminutive as that?

You do not understand the level of unabashed whatthafuckery currently taking place in my brain. Maybe I shouldn't even blog until I've had time to process this. This girl is so skinny I don't even.

Okay. Deep breaths. My eating disorder is clamoring desperately to save face: "It's a lie you don't look like that at all when you're healthy you look puffy and huge; she overestimated her weight is all, and she still looks smaller than you do even at this weight and several BMI points below her, I don't know how but she does, trust me." Trust me.

5. I've been making a lot of discoveries in therapy that mainly get to the root of my distorted body image (is it possible? You ask. Indeed it is, and I'll hopefully blog about it all later but I have to dip imminently, so we'll dog-ear this one for now) and feelings of shame around hunger, enjoying food, and food in general, as well as my confusion as to how to have real friends, emotionally intimate connections, not wanting to need people or ask for help, and not understanding what friends are really good for. All of these issues have literally been present ever since I can remember (we're talking like 2 or 3 years old) and suddenly THEY'RE ALL CLICKING; IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. And fucking exciting.

Well, I have to run. To therapy, in fact. Probably will discuss #s 3 and 4 on the couch... because my brain is still broken.