I'm burning out on myself. My body's non-lethally crashing on me. It wouldn't be doing this if I weren't so academically overworked, I'm sure, but there it is.
Hang on, (not) little (enough) body! Three more days until the semester's over! And also until I have to start feeding you more for my parents' (and, long term, my ED's) sake.
My memory's going. Not really the important stuff, just details. It takes me forever to think of the word I want for a paper. I get stuck on little things. I'm frequently unable to remember where I heard a phrase or who said what in an earlier conversation, and I can't think as critically as I used to in therapy. My therapist will say something and I'll want to scream, "I'm trying to follow you, really I am, but my mind's stuck. I can't go any deeper." Also, today in acting class I had a particularly disconcerting episode where our professor was having me and my scene partner drill one tiny bit of our "Antony and Cleopatra" scene over and over again (he does this with everyone), and when I finally put my script down because I'd just said the same line six times, I could not for the life of me remember any of it. I was tripping over words, which does not happen to me. I laughed it off, and so did everyone else, but inside I was thinking, "oh, fuck."
Also, today in voice class I was helping to lay exercise mats on the floor (nearly half the voice class is yoga, for some inexplicable reason, or rather, some explicable reason that takes too long to explicate). These are the kind of mats that you had in your grade school gym, you know, the big sturdy red or blue ones that fold into quarters. I was attempting to lift one of these quartered mat-wads when I suppose my legs gave out from under me (it happened rather fast) and I straight up face-planted into the stack of mats. From all observing parties, it looked hilarious.
I don't mind the face-planting so much as I mind the memory. I've had memory shit go awry in the past; though it didn't happen so much over the summer, before I went into CFC last year I would have episodes where I'd momentarily forget a long-known acquaintance's name, or I'd much too regularly walk into a room and forget why I came in (I know this happens to everyone on occasion, which is why I threw in the "much too regularly" bit). Historically, my brainpower has restored pretty quickly with nutrition, so I hope it continues to. I know that the brain literally shrinks during starvation, particularly fat starvation (hey, it's not my fault raw foods don't have much fat. ...It is my fault that I only eat these foods, I'm aware).
I also hope I can increase my calories without flipping upwards of several shits and warping my mind into believing that X calories under my recommended daily intake is an out-of-control binge. Experience points to "probably not." But I have no option other than to try.
And I hope I don't fail this Tom Waits impersonation tomorrow morning. Experience points to "probably not." But I have no option other than to panic.
Back to Tom now, and then to bed. Over and out.
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