Obligatory "One Year Later" Post

It was one year ago today that I began my most recent stint in inpatient treatment. It was my second stay at CFC and my sixth ED hospitalization overall. I know, 365 days later, I don't have much to show for it. I know I'm worse now than I was then. I know I should go back... or go somewhere. But rather than dwell on the negative, and spend my anniversary "shoulding" on myself, I'm trying to focus on the positives of my time spent at the Center for Change. There were a few. First of all, I made some great friends, and I finally discovered "who" I was -- and discovered that I liked her! This happened quite by accident, by two not-so-awesome (in my opinion, but that's JUST ME) therapists telling me that certain components of my personality were merely fabricated fronts and defenses... and then me discovering that no, they weren't, they were cornerstones of my identity that I really enjoyed, and really made me proud.

I also began working on my now nearly-200-page autobiography (also titled "Fatless Shrugged"), and am really a fan of how far it's come. Lately I've taken a break from writing it, because I'm in a really sad/anxious place in the story right now, and it was leaking into the rest of my life. I don't think it's a good idea for me to be writing about being so ill when I'm ill yet again.

I laughed a lot. I learned I could be real when I wanted to be, and that the "realer" I was, the more people seemed to like me. I learned to not be afraid to be myself.

And yeah -- there was an incident not quite halfway through my treatment that made me give up on my recovery and decide that I still needed my eating disorder for protection and survival (we call this incident "Caution Status"), but that is perhaps another story for another time. Like I said, I'm trying to make this post about the good, rather than the bad or the ugly. (Or the Duani.)

But best of all, I learned how to play Rock Band. And that, my friends -- that's just invaluable.