Lately a quote has been running through my head, one that I first heard from a therapist at CFC and then adopted as my own so that fellow patients often attributed it to me, and that is, "you can't hold on to a little bit of cancer."
What that means, of course, is that for one to FULLY recover from an eating disorder, you can't hold onto ANY eating disorder behaviours or rules, even if they aren't technically "dangerous." Little bits of cancer don't stay little for very long, do they? They metastasize, and spread, and before you know it you're just as malignant as you were before you ever embarked upon your quest for remission.
It goes without saying that you can't recover and still eat below your required daily caloric intake, or get better while still purging occasionally. But what about the little things? What about the things that most of society wouldn't even notice had anything to do with your eating disorder? I've been thinking about what my "little bits of cancer" are, the things that I (despite my intentions) continued to hold onto and rationalize even as I earnestly fought for recovery. Here's something of a list I made, and a few guidelines I laid out for myself for if/when I'm finally strong enough to fight again.
"Little Bits of Cancer":
1. My high-heel obsession. I genuinely LOVE heels, and I think they're fun and sexy and they legitimately don't hurt my feet. But if I'm being really honest with myself, I more often than not use them as a tool to make my legs look longer and skinnier. In fact, I'm quite convinced that my legs are fat and the only reason they ever look otherwise is because I'm wearing the right shoes/skirt/shorts/pants combo. Unless I'm working out, I never wear flats. This is not an overstatement. For this reason, early in my recovery, high heels will be banned for an extended period of time. There are plenty of cute flats in this world. I should become better acquainted with them. In recovery.
2. Diet soda. The allure of diet soda is a no-brainer to most, well, people. And it's so socially acceptable; the norm, in fact. However, the only diet drink that I've found tastes markedly different from the regular is Diet Coke/Diet Pepsi, and for a while in recovery, I won't allow myself that either. Eventually, as I grew up on Diet Coke and prefer its taste to regular, I might go back to drinking it occasionally. But I won't ever have to throw back can after aluminum can of Diet Sunkist, trying to relive my childhood delight in orange soda. If I crave an orange soda, Recovering/Recovered AJ will drink a can of orange soda -- every last calorie. In recovery.
3. Vinaigrette dressing. Obviously, in the throes of anorexia, I ban dressing entirely, but there have always been those dinner outings with my parents where I've chosen to order a salad, and, consciously or not, asked for what I understand is the lowest-calorie dressing available while still not raising any eyebrows. It's a delicate balance, one I navigated brilliantly throughout high school. Now, just like high heels, sometimes a mixed green salad honestly does taste best when lightly drizzled with vinaigrette, but since I'm not fully able to check my intentions yet, I'll need to ban it temporarily. In recovery.
4. "Ana Photos." You know all about these. The pictures you took, or that were taken of you, when you were at your sickest. The little swell of pride you get when you're able to look at one of them and count each ladder rung of your sternum, or note the fact that in the gap between your two thighs, there's room for a third. I would always tell myself that since I was writing a book, I needed these pictures for posterity. To that I say, fine. Posterity it is. Delete the markedly sick photos of sick AJ from facebook and put everything else in one very cumbersome-to-access computer file. Like, folders within folders within folders that take millennia to load. I can't have my dead, heroin-addict eyes staring at me every time I open up iPhoto. In recovery.
5. Celebrity weight gossip sites and fashion magazines. I don't read Vogue for the articles. I stare at the pictures of Jean Paul Gautier runway models and marvel at the parabolic curves above their knees. (That used to be meeeeeeee!, I will think.) So in my fantasy recovery, those must be neither bought nor bought into. I have no way of knowing whether or not those models have eating disorders, but I know that I have distorted body image, so any quest to look like them will inevitably result in death and destruction. No browsing the webbernet in search of the latest incredible shrinking starlet or Actress X's BMI. In recovery.
6. Mustard. The universal anorexic food. You're right, it's not a food -- it's a food group. Deli mustard, brown mustard, dijon mustard, honey mustard, spicy mustard, grey poupon mustard, 4-6 servings daily. Fuck that shit. In recovery, I don't want it in my fucking HOUSE. In recovery.
7. Certain articles of clothing. Everyone has their skinny jeans or the t-shirt they feel makes them look especially thin. Everyone remembers how that skirt fit (or rather, didn't fit) when they were 10 pounds lighter. I have a lot of anorexic clothes; a veritable eating disorder wardrobe. In fact, it's about all I do have. I can't remember the last time I went jeans shopping. When I enter recovery, the first thing I'm doing is going to the mall, buying jeans in a bunch of different sizes, and promptly removing the size tags when I get home. Hopefully, by the time a pair fits, I'll have forgotten which size was which. In recovery.
8. Dressing/shopping "skinny" rather than "stylish." I cannot tell you how many times I have neglected my personal style in favour of something that made me look bonier or leaner. I hope to one day be able to pull a jacket off the rack without needing to try it on to make sure it hits the right parts of my torso and hides the rest. Dressing to hide "problem" areas is itself a huge problem, one that will be strictly disallowed. In recovery.
9. Choosing the lowest carb/calorie/sodium brand of something. For a while I'm going to challenge myself to buy the brand that I know is HIGHER in any of these areas, if only to ensure myself that I'm not letting the ED sneak back in. Fucking slick bastard. I'm slicker. Just barely. But I am. That's why we make such a formidable (and chronically treatment-resistant) team. I plan to use that cunningly stubborn streak to abolish, not aid and abet, my anorexia. In recovery.
10. Flavourless oatmeal. Like vinaigrette, one of those foods I don't eat if I'm letting my anorexia run wild, but if I have to make compromises or put on a good show, plain instant oatmeal is the way to go. You know what? It tastes like nothing. In recovery, if I want oatmeal, I'm rocking the apple cinnamon or brown sugar or blueberries-and-milk shit. Blueberries will play a vital role in my recovery because they're one of so so so so precious few foods that I genuinely love and still allow myself to have in my eating disorder. Grapes are good, but I don't adore them; celery and carrot sticks are okay but should not be a dietary staple for ANYONE; I'm not a fan of edamame outside of starvation mode but suddenly when my calories hit rock bottom it's the most delicious thing in the world. I've never quite understood this, but I'm sure it has to do with some protein/fat deficiency. Which I will not have... in recovery.
And mustard must go.
In recovery, of course. Not today. Chomp chomp chomp rabbit food.
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