I spent the hours of a little before 12:30 to a little after 5 PM today on a film set.
Working. Acting.
Don't get too excited. It was "just a student film." But I go to a university that pretty much exists to churn out famous actors, filmmakers, and football players. So I'm not just blowing hot air out of my ass (it's too cold for that, anyway) when I say that when my school makes "student films," they kinda go all out. They hire outside talent that are actively working in the industry, for starters. I was the only actress in the short that was still in school. And they shell out wads upon wads of cash for students to learn what it's "really like" to really make a movie in the real fake Hollywood world.
They are successful.
I've done independent films, and I've done student films, and I have to say, this particular set was just as professional, if not more so, than a lot of independent work that I've done with "actual" professionals running the show. I arrived on set, was promptly directed to a green room, offered juice, coffee, water, sandwiches, hummus, anything else, and generally taken ridiculously seriously without being fawned over. They knew my place, I knew theirs, and vice versa. But it wasn't the way I was treated -- it was the actual filming/film acting process that I loved. I loved working. I loved living in this incredible story and making magic with hair and makeup and costume and effects. I loved getting and taking direction, and I loved watching the collaborative process of all the behind-the-scenes geniuses putting it all together. Director. Producers. Grips. Boom mikes. DPs. Lights. How the fuck do they do it? How the fuck do they understand what they're talking about three quarters of the time? Filmmakers never fail to blow me away.
The happiness, the fulfillment, that I get from acting is so weird. Because while I'm acting, I'm not often happy or fulfilled, not on the surface of my conscious mind at least. On the surface of my conscious mind I'm preoccupied with whatever I as the character am preoccupied with (a dozen things all at once at least) and am also semi-aware of paying attention to the director, hitting my mark, making sure the lights have got me, etc. And a lot of times acting isn't physically pleasurable either, especially not when you're standing outside wearing a sleeveless mini-dress in 60-degree weather. And film acting is fucking stressful as hell, because there are time crunches, and props go missing, and the set can't stay quiet, and the wind blows and the sun disappears and comes back out regardless of whether or not you're in the middle of a take.
But somehow... there's a part of me that, at a cellular level, is relishing the entire experience for reasons I will never fully comprehend, in ways that I will never fully comprehend, and I don't care that I'll never understand it. I just know I dig it.
So yeah, today just reinforced the love that I have for working as a film/television actress. And the love that I have for being busy. It was all so fucking brilliant.
And then the day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which I am celebrating with one of my best friends (yes, she knows about the eating disorder, so it won't be super awkward), so I'm looking forward to having something to do then, too. And some time over the long weekend I have a date with College Republican guy (That One).
Any day that I'm forced out of my own head is a good day. But any day that I'm forced out of my own head to do what I love... is an exceptional day.
I need more of them.
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