I'm Still Here

I'm still here, and my stomach is killing me, and eating real food is terrifying, and I get awful heartburn, and I feel-so-God-damn-FAT... but I'm making it. My calories are increasing, and I hate it, but I'm one step closer to free every day that I get through, and so far I've gotten through every single day without restricting.

I'm so scared it won't last. Food makes me panic. I'm going to miss this body, I know I am. But I've got to get through it. There's no alternative. There's no half-assing it. I shouldn't be so hard on myself for holding onto all these disordered thoughts and food rituals; it hasn't even been 10 days. Big changes come slowly, but I am moving in the right direction. And that's a relief.

I just really, really, really, REALLY hope that it lasts. That the motivation stays. That my relationship toward food and attitude about weight gain and my body all improve. This is by far the hardest thing I'll ever have to do -- recover on my own outside of treatment. But if I can do this, anything else that comes my way, I know I can handle.