It was moving too fast.
It's not the right time.
I'm not ready for that level of commitment.
I'd love to try this again later. But for now... *shrug.*
When I decided to go back to being actively anorexic... when I locked the door behind me and watched my parents drive away from helping me move into my new apartment... when I drove to the store and bought my three or four "ED-approved" foods and diet soda... I felt so relieved. I felt so comforted. I felt like I could breathe again. I don't have OCD; one look around my room and you would know that. But there's something to be said for how "clean" not eating makes me feel. I feel clean and pure.
Ok, though. Have I not had a really lovely couple weeks of relatively "normalized" eating? Haven't the energy and newfound vitality been great? Yes. On both counts, a resounding yes. But body image loaded the gun here (it always does), and, because I was curious, I decided to investigate into what specifically made me say, "This is too much; I'd like to go back to my eating disorder for now." I think I owe myself that. So here goes:
First of all, pretend I repeated "body image" over and over a couple hundred thousand times.
Second, classes start tomorrow. Let's look into the social triggers produced by this first, and then we'll get into the more academic realm. My eating disorder loves being given the opportunity to shock and awe everyone with dramatic weight loss if I haven't seen people (e.g., teachers and classmates) in a really long time. Then there's the whole identity piece. There's some comfort of familiarity in being "the anorexic girl." People can think what they want about my personality, my talent, or anything else, but at least they're definitely going to think I'm skinny.
The additional point about classes starting is that at least for now, I'm going to have to repeat my sophomore year acting classes with the class of 2013 (because of the semester and a half I spent in treatment during sophomore year). There might be a chance that I can take junior acting classes with my 2012 family in tandem with the sophomore classes, but there's nothing definite. So, pushing aside the fact that I don't know (and really don't care to know) any of these kids, there's the whole element of needing to cope with the feelings of failure and ineptitude with being held back. As a child, that always struck me -- illogically, no doubt -- as the ultimate mark of stupidity or laziness, and going through it now is really doing a number on my psyche. Going back to full-blown anorexia helps me deal with these feelings, and it also numbs me from the uncomfortable feelings of rage and loneliness. Extreme rage. Extreme loneliness.
Also, it's like I'm spiting the powers that be in my acting programme: "you want to hold me back? You think repeating sophomore year is the most helpful decision? Yeah, I'll show you how 'helpful' that is."
Body image.
I have a ton of auditions coming up. Don't get me wrong; I like auditions. I dig the adrenaline rush. But they're a generally stressful situation, and I deal with pretty much all generally stressful situations in pretty much the same general manner: losing weight.
I can't eat before a big audition. If I do, and I don't get cast/booked, I blame it on my being a fatass. I tell myself that the director thought I was too fat for the role. That I don't deserve to eat because I'm clearly so talentless. That if I hadn't been too busy stuffing my face I could have used the time to prepare for the audition. The food is physically distracting; not only is fullness uncomfortable, it "weighs me down" from doing my best.
Finally, I'm back out on my own after a little over a week visiting my parents. With the reintroduction of total and complete freedom, my eating disorder is MAD WITH POWER.
So, something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.
Who knows? Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I'll starve for a week, remember how crappy it feels, and once again be reminded that the negatives far outweigh the positives. That's always a possibility.
Whatever.
No comments:
Post a Comment