Oh, facebook!
So this morning, a friend from rehab told me off in the comment section of a picture of me that she apparently found triggering. Usually I'm okay with (let me rephrase that: not "okay with," but "used to") people saying mildly unhelpful things, like "eat something!" if they think I look sick in a picture. I shrug it off in half a second and life goes on. But this particular comment definitely came from a place where we've all been -- a place of impulsivity, anger, and hurt. And when we're in that place, we can say some pretty rude things. Not because we're rude people, but because impulsivity, anger, and hurt combine to create a rather potent cocktail of "shit, I really stepped out of character there."
So I deleted the comment. It hurt me and it made this friend look like a person she isn't. And then for a while, I turned into a person I wasn't. (Well... maybe that part's debatable. Seeing as I am kind of a bitch.) I was all haughty and pissed off and feeling like "she doesn't know the HALF of what I'm going through right now!" and shit. When, again, she DOES... because she has an eating disorder. Granted, she doesn't know my specific situation -- that I'm really, really trying to get better -- but how could she when I don't share that kind of stuff with people?
Still fuming, I decided to practice a new coping skill. Because "not eating" recently got crossed off my list of options. My list of options that only had one option on it. I sat down, and (while eating breakfast!) punched out a really angry letter that said all of the bitchy, self-righteous, caustic things I wanted to say. Knowing I wasn't going to send it. Knowing I was doing this to help ME, not make her feel bad, since obviously she already felt bad, or she wouldn't have written what she did. I had to get out my hurt and my frustration somehow. I had to "tell" someone. So I'm posting it here.
*Ahem*
First of all, it was profoundly distasteful and hypocritical for you to comment publicly on that photo in the way that you did. I can certainly respect where you're coming from, but if you were so offended by my lack of discretion, there's even less reason for you to go telling me off in front of everyone. A private message, even if it were written in the exact same way -- perhaps even more vehemently -- would have been infinitely more gracious and gotten your point across better.
Secondly, that photo was not extraordinarily recent. It's probably about a month old. After two weeks of debating with myself on whether to post it on facebook because I thought I DIDN'T LOOK THIN ENOUGH because I have DISTORTED BODY IMAGE, I challenged my negative thoughts and went ahead and posted it anyway. Then a few nights ago I was randomly going through the album, realized I hadn't tagged it (and I have this minor OCD-ish streak with tagging photos), and without really even thinking about what other people would comment -- or that they'd comment at all, 'cause it's not a particularly interesting photo -- I tagged myself.
Third, I unfortunately have very little control over what facebook chooses to tell you is top news. I know it seems like I personally went and posted that photo on your news feed, but in reality, I didn't. Some robot thought you might enjoy it. When I posted that photo, the furthest thing from my mind was, "hmm, I wonder what all these girls I was in treatment with will think about this. I really hope they're triggered by it, because I'm so proud that my life is a miserable wreck and my existence utterly and completely dominated by an eating disorder. I hope this photo makes them feel as shitty about themselves as I do about myself, because making other people feel bad will really help remedy the guilt and self-hatred I wallow in every single second of my life." No. The only thing I was thinking when I posted/tagged it was, "ugh. My thighs look huge and what the hell is up with my stomach area looking so disproportionately enormous? SHUT UP, ED, I'M DOING IT ANYWAY. *click*"
So while you're right that a healthy individual wouldn't have posted or tagged that photo, you're right for the wrong reasons. I didn't do it out of pride, or malice, or spite -- except maybe out of spite for my eating disorder, because as I said before, I actually don't think most of me looks that thin in that photo.
Also, I feel like recovery is about loving and accepting your body at all weights, even the unhealthy ones. If I can't love my body at X pounds, how is there any hope that I can love it at X + 20 pounds? Why is it that only photos of someone at a healthy weight are acceptable? Or even an unhealthy, "too high" weight? You wouldn't comment on a photo of someone who's overweight and say, "It makes me so mad when you post photos like this. Are you proud to be gorging yourself to death? Stop eating so much." (And on another note -- "photos like this," plural -- where are the others? Please show them to me. I think I've demonstrated that I have no idea which photos are triggering to you.)
Finally, even though I disagree with the way in which you chose to do it, I want to genuinely commend you for speaking out about something that offended you, because most people would just direct that anger inward or sit and feel bitter and helpless. I appreciate that you were proactive. Assertive. Whatever the right word is. I think "assertive" is a good one.
End scene. Stagefreeze.
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