Crawling

So my kidneys look better... which is good news. I don't know how much longer I could have gone on doing 800 calories (and then gradually moving up) when I haven't hit my big goal yet. This is the first time I've actually had a "goal weight" -- and I won't say the actual number because I don't want to trigger any more than I already do (and I also don't want you knowing my weight, haha) -- and as it is now I'm around 6 lbs. away. If I really, really haul ass I can just barely make that in just under 3 weeks. 800 calories is not hauling ass. 650 calories isn't really hauling ass either. I think I'll have to cut down to a consistent 500 to really make this work.

I had a panic attack today because for a while I thought I was going to have to do 800 again. I felt physically awful (meaning much worse than usual) and mentally dead and I had to prepare a big presentation for class tomorrow. I could barely even think. So I started freaking out, thinking, I'm not doing that again, I'm not doing that shit again, I don't even have a solid medical reason (while I could barely get up off my couch), fuck fuck fuck. But I popped a Lorazepam and fought through it, and things are better now.

"Your anorexia nervosa is still unstable and needs intensive treatment." That charming sentiment came back in addition to my lab results. Fuck no. Not when I am so damn close.