Panic

I'm sitting here, typing this in the hopes of warding off a panic attack. Although I'm on meds for anxiety, panic attacks have become a nightly occurrence since my relapse got into full swing. I know it's because I'm not giving my body enough something-or-other, but I don't care enough to start recovering just yet. So sorry if this entry reads a bit convoluted or awkward. My mind's not totally present right now.

Usually I have lorazepam to help with immediate anxiety relief, but my prescription ran out a couple of days ago and I'm still waiting to pick up my refill. Getting through panic attacks -- medicated or not -- is something that I've become quite good at over the years. Sometimes I can stop them just as they start, and sometimes I just have to wait them out, but I don't fear the attacks themselves like I used to when they first started. I know I can handle them. The current of frantic anxiety pulls me in deep, I ride each wave of panic as it comes, and slowly but surely I'm pushed back to shore. It's never pleasant, but it's not the nightmare it used to be. Hopefully when I start devoting myself to recovery I can learn to handle triggers in the same manner. I do believe one can be fully recovered; I've seen it happen. I'd very much like not to be plagued by these thoughts and distortions forever.