The past while has been okay. It's finally starting to sink in that I'm going to the England, and I don't think I could be more thrilled -- I went to apply for a passport today and on the line where it says "intended destination" or whatever I wrote "United Kingdom" and I got all giddy like a schoolgirl. It's actually happening, I thought. I'm actually going to the U.K.!
Again, I've been before, but I was 14 then, and did not enjoy it at all because I was so ill. This time, my BMI's a little lower than back then, but I don't feel as terrible and I'm going to do my best to be sensible when it comes to food while I'm over there. I told my therapist what my calorie plans were and she said that wasn't going to be enough, and then I freaked out on her because "if I'm already having panic attacks when I try to eat an extra cracker, how the hell do you expect me to eat X calories?" I'm just as angry with myself for all this, you know. I have a lot of shame when it comes to the eating disorder. I'm so pissed off that I can't "just eat" like a normal fucking human being. And that I almost didn't apply for my passport because the photo "made me look fat." I don't think that's actually possible, AJ. It is possible, because the photo's only from the shoulders up and I have a thick neck. I thought yesterday you called it one of your "acceptably thin" body parts. That was yesterday; I've clearly gained 5 pounds since then and it's all gone to my neck.
(This is what I have to live with.)
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Anyway, I've been doing more work on third-stepping. Not because I actually am a stepper, but I like to pull from different addiction/recovery models and see what works. When I've been forced into 12-step work in the past, I've never surpassed numero trois because the thought of "turning my life over to [insert name of higher power here]" is terrifying. It's like the third step prayer literally gets caught in my throat. I can't say that, I think. Thy will, not mine, be done? What the hell? I thought I had free will. I thought this was my fucking life.
Then it occurred to me.
God's fucking will is going to be done anyway. It's God. It's called the third step prayer, not the third step spell. If I don't say it, or agree to it, there's no magical force barring God from reaching into my life and doing whatever He wants. If I do say it, He doesn't gain any special ability to fuck up my shit that He didn't have before. (Don't you love this? I'm talking about God "fucking up my shit." I'm sure He's thrilled up there.)
The third step is just a way of saying, we're going to work together now. I'm not going to fight You. I'm not going to try (in vain), waste my time and energy fighting Your role in my world. In my language, it's sort of like saying, "let's merge our powers for good and for awesome and then things will really take off in my life." Things move a lot faster when you let God in, because He's going to do His thing anyway, and instead of spending your time resisting that, you could be communicating with and letting Him help you instead.
The secret of the third step is that it's actually not about your higher power at all. It's about you. It's not about giving your higher power "permission" to enter your life. He/She/It's already there. It's about giving yourself permission to focus on other things.
Is there any guarantee that God's will for me is the same as my will for me? Career-wise? Money-wise? No, but there's a damn good lot of evidence. I've been tallying up a mental list of all the things that have happened in my life, outside of my control, that point to God wanting the same things for me as I do. And let me tell you, the list is long. It's a lot longer than the list of things that indicate otherwise -- which is really, really comforting. In fact, some of the things that I used to want, because I thought they would get me closer to my ultimate goals, but that I didn't get, I now see would have hindered me in my pursuit of those same goals if God hadn't stepped in and made something different happen. Made me mad, for a little while. Because I thought He was ruining everything. Instead, I learned later... He was fixing it. Allow me to explain this concept algebraically:
If my ultimate goal was Z, then I wanted A to happen because I thought A would be the best way to get to Z. Instead, despite all my best efforts, A didn't happen -- but by "chance," B happened instead. Looking back, I realise that B is a much more direct, much surer route to Z than A was/is.
So maybe -- maybe -- God wants the same things for me that I want... and maybe, just maybe, He has a better idea of how to set me up for the opportunities whereby I can succeed.
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