This Is Harder Than It Looks

So far, RF (yeah, it's that fucking time again) has been an epic fail. Well, maybe not an epic fail, but it definitely ranks towards the more heightened end of the fail spectrum.

Whenever I finish eating, I feel about ready to jump out of my skin. I'm anxious, I can't sit still, I can't stop thinking about what the extra calories are doing to my body, I start to panic. I take Lorazepam -- if it's night time and I can afford to be drowsy. It calms me down a bit, but it also makes me say, "fuck that shit, I don't really need to eat, do I? I'm not hungry, nothing terrible is going to happen if I don't eat. I'm just going to bed."

That's the other thing. I'm not hungry. Not really, anyway. At first my body was really confused and exhausted (even though I only increased by, at most, 100 calories a day -- usually less). It does that when my calories go up. The way I've had it explained to me, it has something to do with insulin. My body gets all "OMG WTF I DON'T EVEN" and then has a big insulin party, and afterward my energy levels are depleted for the rest of the day. I've let the anorexia convince me that gluten makes this worse, so I won't eat white flour even in re-feeding. Keep in mind that when I'm not re-feeding, I'm a "raw foodist" who only eats, like, five things, so I'm not used to white flour or anything that's not rabbit fare anyway. But no, it's totally better for you to limit gluten, everyone says so. Uh huh. Who is this "everyone?" Um, some commercial I think.

I also still try to eat as many un-processed foods as possible. Which makes things difficult, seeing as most of my RF calories in the past have come from Lean Cuisine. You can't eat that it's got sodium and it's soooooo bad for you! Sodium's good for me. You'll feel really bloated and gassy and sick. You might even get an intestinal obstruction. Wait, from sodium? Uh... yeah. Besides, your body image will get even worse because it makes you retain water. Okay, well, I've gotta get these extra calories in somehow. How about Boost? It's low in sodium, and nutritionally balanced. Ah, Boost, the re-feeding anorectic's manna. No! Boost is processed too! Can you even pronounce half those ingredients?

I'm not saying I never drink the Boost or eat the low-calorie gluten-free organic vegan frozen entree. (And, by the way, I can only imagine what everyone else at the grocery store is thinking when I spend half an hour hyperventilating in the frozen foods aisle because THIS HAS 10 LESS CALORIES BUT A 2% HIGHER DAILY VALUE OF SODIUM AND MORE NET CARBS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.) I do win, sometimes, but it's a long and exhausting battle in my head. Fortunately, I've managed to find something higher-calorie that my anorexia, masquerading in the guise of "just doing this the healthy way," can approve of. They're fruit and nut granola bars whose only ingredients are raw fruit, raw nuts, raw granola, and raw honey. They're scary because they're calorie-dense, but they have no sodium, just a few carbs (most of the calories come from fat and protein, which really don't scare me), and it's kind of fun to pick them apart and nibble on them granola by granola.

My calories are still "too low" but they feel too high. I never surpass that pleasantly-gnawing hunger, that hunger pang "sweet spot," and I don't like to eat because then it goes away. It's not just feeling full that gets to me. It's not feeling hungry. Or not being somewhat aware that, hmm, my body could really do with a bit more food. Stress makes me lose my appetite. Being busy/distracted makes me lose my appetite. Being anxious DEFINITELY makes me lose my appetite. As of right now, it's 8:45 and I definitely don't think I'm going to meet my calorie goal for today. I'm way too far under.

I really need to pull all of this crap together because my dad comes to help me move out very soon.