Nothing Else I Can Say

Things with Michael are heating up... again. And I don't know how to feel about it. Honestly, I'm so hot and cold about the entire thing. I don't know if it's hormones or the eating disorder or something else or what, but it's like half the time I'm really excited and giddy about the prospect of having a romantic relationship with him, and the other half I'm like, "this? Again? Really?"

I feel it's not fair to him, but I don't want to go move forward or backward with anything between us when I still have no idea of how I feel. But the guy is so boyfriend-y it's crazy. We fuck, we do date stuff, and then we do random couple bonding-type shit, like texts just to check in and domestic monotony. He threw a housewarming party last night, and we set it up together, made drinks together, and did the dishes together. Very frequently we'll shower after sex (one of the best things in the world, p.s., if you're doing it right). And he likes to cuddle. Who the fuck likes to cuddle? What have I gotten myself into here?

Sometimes I'm incredibly happy and excited to see him; other times it feels like a chore. Sometimes I'm physically attracted to him; other times I'm not so much (and it's nothing he is or isn't doing). I will say this: I think he's a really cool guy. He his his romantic streaks and his nihilistic streaks, he digs good music, he plays good music, he writes good music, he reads a lot, he's a political dork and, like me, finds talking politics to be a huge turn-on (again... if you're doing it right). He thinks it's brilliant that I'm so into Machiavelli and geeky things. He's definitely infatuated with me. Crazy about me? He certainly acts like it. In love with me? Probably not quite (fortunately). He's always wanting me to stay the night. I've only done so once, because honestly, I've got to be pretty mad about you if we're going to take the whole "sleeping together" thing literally. I've only ever spent the night with three guys; I was in love with two of them, and the other one I was well on my way to loving.

So yeah. I'm not sure what I should do. It's not just so cut-and-dry as "I like him but I don't want a relationship with him." I really like him, and half the time I do want this to keep going deeper. And I don't know whether the fact that I'm so on the fence is ED-related, and if so, I don't know whether the ED is what's making me want to leave or making me want to stay. I just don't fucking know.

I've been maddeningly tired all day. It would be awesome if my body could re-learn the concept of insulin. Yayyyy, bringing this all on myself.