I don't want to be premature, but my reflux seems to have been getting a lot better these past couple of days. It still flares up, but it's not constant anymore, and when it does get bad, it's not ten million symptoms at once, and it doesn't get to the severity that it was just a few days ago. I'm still being cautious, but I'm not terrified of absolutely everything causing heartburn/nausea.
But... I've also been eating less. I cut my calories again to below the "congratulations-your-organs-aren't-cannibalizing-themselves-yet" threshold. Yes, bad AJ, I know, but my tummy feels better, and my weight is dropping faster, and I feel better about myself. It was a really difficult week body-image wise and I'm just starting to turn it around, and honestly I'm beginning to care less and less about my health. My social life. My everything that doesn't directly involve my weight, body, or anorexia.
Still doing well in school. That's all that really matters in my life at this stage -- high grades and low weights. I just keep getting nervous about inexplicably gaining despite my efforts, or plateauing, or retaining water like a motherfucker.
I keep telling myself that I'm only going to keep my calories this low until I lose three pounds (that will get me to one of my "benchmark" numbers), but... that's probably a lie.
I live in a world of numbers and measure time in calories and pounds.
Where has my life gone? Does it even exist anymore? Is there anything good waiting for me at all?
No comments:
Post a Comment