You Congest Me; I'm So Hollow from Your Gift

What does it feel like to feel good?

I've felt good before. You know, when you feel like everything about your body is working like it should and you're in alignment with your functioning and you don't notice little things acting up or being too much of an effort... basically, when your body is doing what it wants to do, where it wants to be.

I remember that I have felt good, in a very distant past, and for very fleeting moments, but I don't remember what good felt like aside from a few vague phantom sense-memories. I don't remember it non-intellectually. In this regard, it's rather like having a sore throat: you know there have been times when you didn't have a sore throat, but now that you have one, you can't replicate that same feeling of comfort that you felt when you were healthy. You don't remember what precisely was or wasn't there when you didn't have a sore throat, aside from pain. You just remember "no sore throat" feels better than "sore throat."

I've remember feeling good twice in the past... seven years, probably. And when I say "feeling good," I don't mean "feeling happy," or "feeling okay." I've felt those things a lot. By "good," I mean just feeling totally in harmony with your physiology. Like your body's really happy.

The first time was in summer 2008 (I think I've touched on this before). A 2009 journal entry reflecting on that time reads:

"There was an instant when I was at [college as a freshman] -- it was either orientation or welcome week -- and I was walking through campus. Of course I was elated to be [here], I was elated to be in recovery, I was elated to have a shot at life. And I felt so alive. There's no other way to describe it. I'd forgotten how life-y life was. I'd forgotten how high the highs were. I never knew the sky was so blue, or the sun was so bright. I never knew happiness could feel so happy. I never knew relaxation could feel so relaxed, no caveat, no strings attached. No nagging exhaustion or anxiety in the back of my head. But what really got me was the energy I realized I had. I'd been walking all over campus for quite some time -- not even walking, running -- and I felt so ALIVE and full of ENERGY. Again, I never knew it was possible to have so much energy. To feel so alive, I never knew. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt that strong and vivacious. Strong. Mentally, physically, psychologically POWERFUL. And I just thought, oh my God, this is wonderful. This is so beautiful. This moment, right here -- this is what it feels like to not have an eating disorder."

The sad thing is I know that's just a normal moment in a non-eating-disordered individual's life. I know they feel that practically 24/7 and think nothing of it. But to me, it was like... wow. It was like breathing for the first time. It was like being high on cocaine, only a hundred million times better. Seriously.

The other time was during my second stay at CFC (my sixth stint in treatment overall, I believe). So it was very early 2010. I was newly weight restored, probably by about a month or so, and I remember there being an instant when I was sitting at dinner goofing around with some of the other girls there. One of them said something funny, and I laughed, and -- BAM -- that same feeling returned. Of strength and power and focus and energy and life. Coursing through every vein in my body was life, strong and steady. I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel exhausted from walking to the dining room, I didn't feel in pain. I just felt really entertained by this joke that my friend had told, and I felt excited for NIA later that night, not to burn calories (for once) but to release some of my newfound vitality.

Today, there isn't a shred of that. Today, my hands are shaking because I'm hypoglycemic. Today I'm sweating because I'm hypermetabolic. Today my head hurts. Today my breath is a bit laboured. Today my eyes are heavy. Today my joints are throbbing. Today my organs ache. Today my muscles are ridiculously sore, as well they should be, seeing as I recently found out my body is cannibalizing them (I swear it's not as dramatic as it sounds). But today is a normal day. Today I haven't really even paid that much attention to these things; I've just accepted them as part of living, and it's only creepishly watching a cohort of small children run around the park directly across the street that's gotten me thinking, I could never do that. They have been at that shit for hours. And their parents are even joining in, if they're not busy tending to their Labor Day barbecue and chatting it up with the neighbours. And laughing. And it's only now that I'm certain that were I to put a healthy person in my body that they would be like, "are you serious? How are you living like this? This is torture!" And I would look at them incredulously and say, "this is the norm. What are you used to?"

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this shit.

And now for something completely different:

I'm officially an intern for the state Republican gubernatorial campaign. I'm excited and a little nervous because I don't know exactly what they're going to expect of me, and as an actress and not a poli-sci major, I'm probably not coming in with as thorough a knowledge of the law or public policy. Everything I know I've learned from a few introductory courses I took just for funsies, books I've read and may or may not have comprehended, and my understanding of current events. I'm good at bitch work, though. I make a badass spreadsheet at 106 words per minute and I do a mean coffee run.

And now for something you really didn't want to know:

Last night I got really tired of not owning any working toys. So I went to this amazing, high-end sex shop that has literally EVERYTHING and practically half an entire floor dedicated to vibrators and I bought myself two -- a larger bullet model and an internal massager -- 'cause I had money to burn and I didn't know which one I would like better. (Speaking of "feeling good"...) My favourite actually ended up being the cheaper one (the bullet). The massager is purplish in colour, which already kind of turns me off because the last thing I want while I'm getting off is to be holding something girly-looking. It's still nice, though.

Anyway, I've got to memorize some shit for voice class tomorrow, so I'll let you go with that charming sentiment.

Feel good.