Underlying Thoughts and Beliefs

Note: For a short (I promise) summary of what the fuck this is all about (which is probably critical), read the post below.

Things to Keep in Mind: My mother, at the time of these formative beliefs and until a couple years ago, was an emotionally/psychologically/physically sadistic, abusive alcoholic. My sister was -- and still is, coincidentally -- seven years older than me.


Underlying Thoughts/Beliefs
(What made AN easy to adopt as a solution and hard to let go of):

1. It is bad to want and need. I should neither want nor need.
- Because... When I want it is not usually given. When I want, I stand out, and when I stand out I am an easy target for Mom. When I want it is ignored at best, belittled in between, and punished at worst. When I want it makes me The Baby. It shows I am immature, stupid, and incapable.

2. I must always be perfectly mature and capable.
- Because... Then I will be grown up and responsible and Mom will be proud of me like E. I will have a happier, freer life like E. I will be a better, more talented person like E.

3. Something is defective about me and I have to hide it from the world.
- Because... I can't do anything right.

4. I am inherently flawed.

5. I demand too much and give nothing back. I am The Baby, I am helpless, and that makes me a drain on my family. I am spoiled. I take and take and take and give nothing satisfactory in return. Mom shows me this.

6. I am melodramatic. I over-play EVERYTHING. I overdo my emotions and difficulties of my circumstances. Mom tells me this when she yells at me and hurts me and I cry.

7. I am a bad daughter.
- Because... I am always making Mom yell at me. When I do something good, it never seems to be received as "good enough," and it is quickly forgotten. I am scared of my own mother, I try to avoid her, sometimes I wish I could live without her, and I rarely make her happy.

8. I am annoying.
- Because... I am too needy and Emily looks down on me. She does not like to have me around. I am constantly WANTING something and that is bad.


My Solutions/Survival Mechanisms, Based on These Beliefs...

- I have to nurture myself. I have to be my own mother.

- I rely on myself and myself alone for protection and survival. I will fix all these problems all by myself; I will never ask for help.

- I will be Perfect. I will make myself happy and please myself; I will soothe myself by being Perfect.


Later in Life, I Also "Learned"...

9. My eating disorder is the only part of my identity no one can take away from me.

10. When I try to recover, I always fail and things get SO MUCH WORSE SO FAST.

11. Attempts at recovery bring misery.

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I think my next step will be devising baby steps to challenge these beliefs, but I'm not exactly sure what those would be.