WTF Craving.

I've been clean almost two years; this should not be happening.

I'm physically craving coke like a motherfucker.

My apartment smells like blow. Not my room itself, but the hallways, and my room is acquiring just a sense of that residual hallway odour. Never let anyone tell you cocaine doesn't have a smell. It does. It's a caustic, burning, chemical dump scent. You wouldn't notice it unless you'd done it. But it's fucking TRIGGERING as all hell.

I've gotten a whiff of coke-like smells before, but it's usually been just in passing. And it's rarely made me want it this bad. My body wants blow. I'm fidgeting; I try to distract myself and THAT FUCKING SMELL creeps back into my consciousness and I start thinking about cutting lines and rolling bills and having energy again, which is especially necessary because I'm getting ready to head to my second 12-hour rehearsal in a row (yes, you read that right. 12 hours).

Oh God I want coke. I never considered myself an addict but DAMN this craving is strong. After almost two fucking years. I can't keep still. I can't focus. Coke coke coke coke coke. I waaaaaaaant cokkkkkkkkkkke. I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I had some air freshener. I've got the window open and the fan going. Hopefully it'll wear away soon. Given how fatigued I am, it's like the smell is taunting me. Just a little bit and you can make it through rehearsal, totally present, totally open, no problem. Fuck you cocaine.

I have a headache. I want to go back to bed. I can't. I have to go to fucking rehearsal in half an hour and I'm nowhere near dressed.

At least it doesn't smell like blow in the theatre.