Refeeding Tantrum #2

MY BODY IS DISGUSTING AND FAT AND I HATE IT SO MUCH I DON'T EVEN.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way -- I am seriously *thisclose* to calling it quits on the refeeding. I'm trying to be rational. I'm trying to be logical. I'm trying to tell myself that there's no earthly way my parents will let me come back from spring break if I show up to their place on a starvation diet. I'm trying.

I just feel like I'm totally letting myself go. I feel like such a fucking pig every time I eat. I feel enormous and thick and puffy. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I feel like I'm gaining ten million pounds. I want to go up to my friends and ask them if it looks like I am. But then they'll know, and I'll look stupid and vulnerable. Or like I'm an attention-seeking idiot. You know, one of those people who whines "ohmygawd kelley I am sooooo faaaaaaaaat," just to hear, "shut up, you are sooooo nooooooot!"

Yeah. Fuck that shit.

I miss starvation. I miss feeling empty. And it feels like it'll be FOREVER until I'm able to restrict freely again. And then who knows where my weight will be? I mean, granted, it's water, I know calorically speaking it's got to be water, but still. I wish I could chalk this bloated feeling up to being about to start my period, but that ship sailed almost 7 weeks ago now.

I've never purged in my life, but I fantasize about it. I'm not going to. My face would get puffy as fuck. And it's not like my GERD/hiatal hernia has got me feeling too hot to begin with.

My heart has been pounding less the past few days. Less palpitations and all that. Because I'm a FATASS.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuck.

It has been brought to my attention that there are a lot of anorectics who don't actually have hardcore distorted body image. I envy them. My body image does get better as I lose weight, yes, but it's still cray-cray inaccurate, and the second I start eating even an iota more (as evidenced here), all those good-body-image vibes fly straight out the window and I am legitimately a whale. You could not convince me otherwise. Stand me in front of a mirror and I'll point out ten things, right off the bat, that are fat and disgusting about my body that were not there last week.

Nobody thinks I look skinny anymore. I'm sure of it.

I HATE FOOD.