(Wish I Had a) River

So this post might be a little triggering -- not because of numbers, but because of symptoms mentioned.

Well, the semester ended. FINALLY. I will try to provide a longer update when I can (I have a lot of beautiful, luxurious time on my hands) about how things wrapped up (short answer: without incident; long answer: without incident but with many panic attacks). I am currently at my parents' for Christmas and eagerly anticipating my sister's arrival, with brother-in-law in tow, tomorrow afternoon.

I've had a good time with my mom and dad so far. I'm not going to speculate on how I think they think I'm doing because I don't want to bother with it right now. I'm eating a little more than my eating disorder wants (definitely more variety) and substantially less than my body wants.

Two things of note: I lost my period. Again. Since it was a very very VERY remote possibility (protection + no intercourse while ovulating), I bought a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I'm disconcerted about the period loss, just because I'm not one of those anorexics who loses their period easily and I weigh just a couple pounds more than I did the last time I lost my period. That being said, I'd much rather have osteoporosis than a baby right now.

Second: my neck and back ...Are. So. Fucking. Hairy. I've kept the neck lanugo for months now; it was actually starting to become a security staple and I didn't mind it so much, but it faded from my upper arms and stomach at the beginning of the fall. Now it's back (though not so much on my arms), and it's also coating my entire spine in a most ineffectual downy blanket. I didn't notice the back portion of it until I was shopping with my mom today, trying on dresses, and I turned around to examine the cut of a hot little strapless number. I haven't really looked at my back for a while, and I was thankful for the privacy of the dressing room and murmur of store shoppers when I did, and gasped.

Lanugo has never been my favourite symptom. It's no good being anorexic if you look like the wolfman. It's also the symptom with which I'm the least familiar, seeing as even at lower BMIs I didn't get it until last summer. So, in spite of being fuzzy and trying to keep me warm, it feels neither warm nor fuzzy as far as my anorexaesthetics are concerned. It's also not a pretty word. Lanugo. It sounds like some 18th-century midshipman's disease. Also lumbago. Which I also have, though not from the eating disorder. Probably. At least amenorrhea sounds nice. (Yes, I feel the same way about gonorrhea.)

I'm going to listen to Tom Waits until I fall asleep now. I downloaded a few softer songs of his the other night and am really digging "Little Trip to Heaven" and "Ruby's Arms" right now.