Worth it. ...Though now I have "Sweeney Todd" stuck in my head.
So... this week was fair enough, I guess. I did a lot of fun stuff; for instance, I got to meet one of my all-time favourite politicians while I was volunteering at a stump spot on Sunday. Rudy Giuliani. I was so excited, it's one of the few times in my life I've been legitimately starstruck -- more acutely than when I've met/talked with Jon Voight or Joel McHale (love those guys too, though. So cool). I've also gotten really friendly with one of the girls who volunteers with me. She's currently taken as a lover this one guy I used to consistently bang (and still dig but mostly just on a friendly basis), and there's no animosity between us at all; I've even given her advice on their relationship. Would that all girls were so level-headed. Of course, I had to go and find out she does coke as well. (Never say Republicans don't know how to party.) Clearly, life wants me to go back to drugs. OH FINE.
Yeah, I've resigned myself to the fact that it's going to happen. I don't fucking care anymore. Like, I'm not actively going out of my way to score, but if the opportunity presents itself, or if I'm offered, then yes, I'm using.
I did better than most of the students on my first physiology exam. I still got a B. It was a high B, but a B nonetheless. I'm grateful we have two more exams and a paper to go, because I'd really rather not get a B for the final grade. I can do better than that. As for the rest of school, it's also pretty okay. I'm passing all my acting classes with flying colours while doing practically jack shit, so that should tell you something about just how much I needed to repeat sophomore year. This says very little about my acting ability and much more about what level of the programme would truly serve me. I've opted to semi-feign "coming out of my shell" because it's so much easier than being poked and prodded by professors, having the other students think I have a bad attitude. Granted, I do have a bad attitude, but they don't have to know it. I have this rule where I have to voluntarily speak to a classmate (i.e., without being spoken to first) at least three times a day. It's usually something small, like me making a comment about something they've said in regards to an assignment, or adding a semi-spirited jibe to some playful banter. But it's enough to stave off most of the students' hatred of me, I think.
We had to keep "journals" for movement and voice class. Not "journal" as in, "today I woke up and brushed my teeth and this cute boy from across the hall looked at me," but entries that respond to different exercises and warm-ups and character studies that we're doing for class. I decided to make mine *alllllmost* emotionally honest. This means that I had to make it very snarky, ironic, dry, and cerebral.
"Cerebral" meaning that it has footnotes.
My voice professor loved it. She said it was the best journal ever. From her commentary: "This journal is nothing short of brilliant. Your honesty, irony & rage are palpable in every page. ...You are courageous, move that courage into your feeling life, not just your critical self." There was other shit too. That part made me the happiest though.
Not that I will actually do shit with it. But it's nice to be validated.
Oh, and body image: Worse. Than. Fucking. Ever. I'm about to start my period (got it back last month), and I know this because 1) it's time for me to start my period, 2) I'm getting cramps and elevated panic symptoms, and 3) FUCKING BLOATING. My weight has been dropping oh so slowly this past week, which I intellectually know is due to water retention (if I weren't restricting so vigorously I'd be gaining from it), but which my eating disorder tells me is because I need to eat less, less, less, so much less (that's not really even possible but whatever) if I want to lose X pounds by December.
So that's where we are with that.
I'm living (?) off edamame, grapes, blueberries, and salad vegetables, plus the occasional carrot sticks/celery with mustard. If I really want to treat myself I'll have mushrooms and mustard. FUCK I love mushrooms. I haven't been able to get an accurate calorie estimate for those babies, though, so I'm wary. I wish there were a way to get more fat in my diet without drastically increasing my calories. I haven't been a huge fat restrictor for a while, partially because I know I'm so woefully deficient (nutritionally, NOT physically) in that regard and it causes a whole slew of problems. Slower response time due to decreased nerve myelination, panic/anxiety through the roof, horrible energy crashes, etc.
But it is what it is. At least I've started taking a multivitamin.
Some days I don't even want to be seen in public, my BI is so bad. And I can't convince myself it's just my head.
I will be so pissed off if my period doesn't start in the next couple days. This is horribly unfair.
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